Talking ‘Bout “The One” That Got Away – Nearly!

FIRST -- if you’re in Australia, consider doing the following: SMS the Channel 7 ‘The One‘ voting hotline on

191977

by texting the name: RICHARD.

Potentially screws up their tally for who will be the ‘winner’ for the show.

Ah, I bet you thought I’d let it rot for this past week, huh? Well, with this week’s nail-biting screening -- revolving around Billy Connolly as ‘Father Joe’ complaining that despite all the body parts his psychic visions have revealed, he still can’t find a poking-out arse to park his bike in -- there’s just no way I’d let it be!

Oh, sorry -- that was a summation of the new film ‘The X-Files: I Want To Believe‘. The Chronicle Online called it:

The truth is, “The X-Files: I Want To Believe” is boring.

What a coincidence! “The One” is becoming pretty damned dull around here too! Yes indeed, fans of the show, it’s another rotten reitteration, of Australia’s Next Top want to be a Psychic!

Andrew Daddo begins with some unconvincing blather -- ‘Tonight, we’re going to see some AMAZING things tonight…’

… can I just mention that due to my travels, I ended up seeing this episode at a pub in outback Narrogin? You can probably make a good drinking game out of how many ANTP ‘amazings!’ Daddo can claim. As it was, my co-workers relied on me to be the designated driver, as they tried to see just how much Chardonnay they could down with each absurdity this show touted. Since the Sydney Skeptics Meetup do a pub night regularly for the screenings of the show, I’m certain they could probably tell you of some of their useful tactics they use to prevent alcohol poisoning by the end of the night!

Back to the action -- apparently we’re going to have some medical diagnoses and even a few celebrity confessions! Ooh, be still my beating copy of Who Weekly!!

Apparently this is also meant to be a strong case for ‘unconventional medicine’ -- and I’m certain that after the Guardian article released this week, all about how you can not only potentially die from a ‘detox’, but how a former Bosnian Serb warlord was hiding out as an alternative medicine practitioner -- it’s just leading you to hide behind the couch with a sense of security, rather than fear. It’s tough to operate the remote control from back there, but here’s Stacey DeMarco’s take on it all:

…plenty of things that were considered ‘unconventional’ are now accepted [what, like flared jeans? That's a 6.5 on the vague scale, DeMarco...]... I think we fear what we don’t understand, and this is something that is a ‘maverick’ idea and science doesn’t necessarily like ‘maverick’ ideas.

Who is this ‘science’? You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means…That’s her strong case for ‘alternative medicine’?? Here’s a ‘maverick’ idea Stacey -- try not condemning those who keep TV judges propped up with lovely botox treatments whilst you ponce about in Cirque Du Soleil’s costume wardrobe. How would you get your face on telly without this ‘science’ in the first place?

Enough of your bollocks, let’s hear Richard Saunders:

I don’t care what the claim is, as long as it works and saves lives, then by all means, let it become part of science. So, if psychics have the power to diagnose and heal people, I’d be delighted.

Daddo:

But what do you think?

Saunders:

No.

Audience breaks into Hairspray-style dance extravaganza joy that someone put it bluntly for the first time this season!

Daddo actually finds it difficult to keep a straight-face from that point and quickly cuts to Poster Girl for Tylenol, The Kurgan, Headless Chook and the Spiritual Postman harassing the people on the streets of Sydney.

You know, out of all the highly-edited bits of this show, I would have loved to have seen something like a Hyde Park bag-lady smacking The Kurgan for suggesting that she has leprosy, or the Spiritual Postman excitedly claiming that a pregnant bewildered teenager he accosted on the street should be ‘looking into getting some skydiving in to benefit her health’. As it is, we get the following laughable snippets of edited ‘guess which case of tinea you have, oh, random person’:

First Headless Chook starts off with the terrifying confession that she’ll get her ‘psychic fingers’ to run down her client’s body. Now I really wish that she met someone with leprosy -- ‘I suspect that you have a sinking feeling, oh, is this your leg?‘ He pats about his battered street-fighting face, encourages links and corrects her when she gets wrong…

Look, already we can see that this is just the most straight-forward cold-reading with nods, ‘yes’, ‘no’ and looking at the physical features of the person to make some fairly good guesses as to what conditions these people have. As all of the ‘hits’ are recorded and not the misses, we get the impression that she’s actually making a good job of it, rather than faffing about with ‘spirit fingers‘:

Now, those, are gold. Go Toros!!

The Kurgan, on the other hand, is more methyl indol with his spooooky summation of a young lady he’s cornered in the middle of Pitt Street -- pokes about her spleen, claims of a virus, prodding around the usual ear-nose-throat gaff and eventually sticks his fingers down her gob to really hammer home that he’s one sick puppy who knows how to make a girl retch. Especially the bit about ‘anyone died in your family?’ and she gets freaked out about her granny who died when she was seven. Everyone at the bar, use the spittoon, please. Too much wine splurting out your nose makes a mess of the carpet.

Spiritual Postman gets a gurnsey by finding someone who already firmly believes in alternative medicine, and nods eagerly throughout the entire process. As I’ve already linked previously to the Psychic Bingo page on Skeptico, you can guess that it’s the usual back, crack and sack, wax on and wax off that you can smarm with anyone willing to yelp ‘oh it’s so accurate!’ throughout. Since Rove already did a number on Postie this week, it’s probably the best he’s done all series. Smarm.

Poster Girl For Tylenol -- yes, you guessed it, she gets stomach cramps. No, it’s ‘not pleasant being a medical intuitive’ -- especially watching you imitate gastric reflux in the middle of a public park. I’m surprised people aren’t throwing her small-change believing she’s a failed NIDA mime.

Here’s the big clincher of this part of the show -- get five people with distinct conditions stand on the stage, with a stroke, a missing leg, various cancers and emphysema, broken bones, and three kidneys due to a transplant. Because they’re standing on the stage, rather than the street -- it’s… well, no, it’s just more of the same. To make matters worse, Daddo actually says:

Tonight we’re seeing if the psychics can diagnose secret medical conditions in people they’ve never met… Now you’ve never come across someone at an accident scene and hear the call ‘let me through, I’m a psychic!’ [sound of crickets as the audience looks blank] But considering what we’ve seen tonight, you could do a lot worse.

Yes, Daddo, you could do slightly worse in terms of ‘medical consultation’. But not by much, as Colin Mochrie demonstrates:

Thinking is Real blog points out that ‘dispensing medical advice’ is against the Australian Psychic Association’s Code Of Practice, but who’s going to let a little matter like that get in the way of telling someone that they really should consider enjoying their dancing now that they only have ONE FRACKING LEG??

Oh what the hell -- here’s the short of it. People visibly nod at times (Headless Chook is given a distinct nod for her ‘something about your stomach’ and continues on after that, to the kidney surgery guy); the stroke victim ends up shaking hands with the ANTPs using his paralyzed hand, hence giving away a distinct clue (let alone the fact that he’s clearly leaning to one side due to his condition on stage throughout) and I notice that the editing must have been fast and plentiful to allow about ten seconds of Spiritual Postman talk about the last few people in the line-up.

To be frank, the man with various cancers and emphysema just looks depressed and unwell throughout and still Spiritual Postman gets the reaction ‘I’m not exactly sure what he meant my that’ after his reading! I think we do -- FAIL. Don’t get me started on Poster Girl’s tendency to tangle with people’s tummies, it’s just become a drinking game in itself.

Let’s stop for a second for another classic moment in the show’s history -- Richard Saunders gets a cheer from the audience for the following:

When you make a lot of guesses, you’re bound to get some of them right and [Headless Chook] did well to get as many as she did…. you’re bound to get some right.

Daddo shoots himself in the foot by rattling off a bunch of claims that sound accurate.. um, yes, Daddo, that’s what he said. If you go from head to foot (and have a hard-working session group of editors to delete all the misses) -- the show will indeed look like they’re good at what they’re doing.

Stacey proceeds to ignore everything Richard says and whitters about how it was ‘What I saw… deliberate and clear’ -- ‘anyone here watching that would have to say it was deliberate’ -- well, if they were at home watching the edited version, sure Stacey. But that’s probably why Richard gets a cheer from the audience when he turns to them and says:

Richard: I will say, that the stroke victim wasn’t standing up perfectly [and yes, there was handshaking of the paralysed hand going on], which might have given something away, I don’t think I would rely on that [Stacey tries to shout him down at this point] -- am I right?

Stacey (petulantly): That’s number twenty-four out of the skeptic’s little poo-poo book!!

No, Stacey, it’s pretty fucking foregone conclusion, after subjective validation and selective memory have had a round, too. I think she was hiding behind the bike sheds with a ciggie when they were discussing ‘counting’ at school, because she sure can’t count the misses that were going on.

How about some baggage handing fun? Since I’m about to go travelling (yes, yet again…) and want to entrust my luggage to the very best of care -- just how good are the ANTPs at spotting the suitcase?

Well. Keep them at home, do not leave the venue, don’t let these people anywhere near a passport. After this tally, I’m surprised that any of them ever find their keys let alone their arses and elbows:

The Kurgan: Fail. Especially the bit where he went ‘When I walked in, I already saw my victim.’ -- brrrrrr….

Poster Girl For Tylenol: Fail. ‘I picked up a problem in the back…’ -- get back in line, you buggered it up.

Spiritual Postman: Fail. A lot of voice-over after the fact, but honestly, it was a mess.

Headless Chook: Fail. Psychic-sniffer dog indeed.

And here’s some footage that we prepared earlier for you to see how badly they went!

Stacey tried yapping on about ‘things we don’t understand’ and how they were ‘so close’ and ‘stringent rules and regulations’ -- girl, they fucked up. Deal. Pratting on about how you ‘can’t measure love… can’t measure power’ (WTF??) doesn’t change a thing and nor should it change the rules.

Daddo again struggles to keep a straight face as we turn into the final part of the challenge -- where they FINALLY have a slight amount of control over the person’s response to the claims by having a large screen in front of them.

Yes, as you can see -- you could still ‘read’ audience reactions to the often animated responses from the hidden ‘celebrity’. Who were these celebrities, you might ask? Well, I have my copies of Who, Cosmo, Cleo, TV Week, Dog Breeder Monthly and Ralph Bumper Boosie Edition here and I still couldn’t readily recognise who these vaunted ‘celebrities’ were. Home and frickin’ Away soapie equals ‘fame’?? But what the hell, here’s the summary:

Daddo: They won’t know who they’re reading, they get a direct hit on a detail, turning the orb green -- that the detail is correct.

Do you know what they were really meant to do? Give the NAME of the celebrity. So don’t get too dazzled by the ANTPs blabbing on about ‘vibrant personality’ and ‘watch your money’. They are meant to say their name during the five minutes they were given, not just ‘as many facts as they can’. Considering how little of the five minutes we get of the readings, it makes it even less impressive.

So -- here’s the summary:

Headless Chook: Guy Leech -- bugger all.

Spiritual Postman: Paul O’Brien -- not a biscuit. O’Brien actively plays to the crowd, getting them to respond to his grimaces, yet I can’t see how much this influenced the Postie.

The Kurgan: Toni Pearen -- gush gush and blush -- again, she’s signaling to the audience, but how much is seen is unsure. Blankety blank.

Poster Girl For Tylenol: Justin Melvey -- urgh, don’t search under ‘Google Images’, whatever you do. You’ll end up like Poster Girl, grabbing your midriff in pain… Painfully none.

This was seriously the most dull episode yet, because there was only ONE variation on the cold-reading sequence that we’ve seen from the start -- the “hey, next time let’s hide some crystal meth in the luggage and see if they spot the dodgy owner and thus do a cross-promotion with Border Security: Australia’s Front Line!!” challenge.

No. Don’t give them any more ideas… they might just consider it, after the falling ratings.

Ooh -- don’t forget:

191977

text the name: RICHARD

What the hell, they’ve wasted OUR time enough…. what’s 70c for a good laugh?

Tagged as: alternative medicine, Andrew Daddo, Australia, Australian, Australian beliefs, Australian Psychic Association, Australian psychics, Billy Connolly, Channel 7, comedy, film review, humor, JREF, meetup., parody, psychic, psychic reading, psychic tv show, psychics, Randi, Richard Saunders, Stacey Demarco, Sydney Skeptics, The Guardian, The One, TV show, Whose Line Is It Anyway, X-files, X-Files I want to believe, X-Files review, YouTube